Friday, December 31, 2010

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Snow Fire

Bonfire in the snow, these are the best.
Search for the pit, hit miss, hit miss hit hit hit. Dig out, dig dig dig. Mom and Dog help. Dig dig dig. Path from path, through drift thick, layer. Nightfall, star sky. Base down, plank by plank. Cardboard box, kindling, ignite. Battle, wind blow, battle, flames glow, battle, hot coals. Small wood, big wood, FIRE GOES! Thanks to my darlings Leigh Bowden, Michelle Brewer, Brent Dawes, Joanna Bryson, Chris Leveille, Matt Ross and Jenny O'Reilly for fire in the snow!!

Doing the Dishes in my Bed

We had moved the after party of the bonfire up to my bedroom. We were talking about our past dreams from that night but I had difficulty recalling mine. I laid down.

I started doing the dishes in my bed, speaking to Joanna about our new arrangement at home. "If you cook you don't have to clean." I said as I rinsed out a bowl. There was a faucet at the foot of the bed, but no drain. The water spilled onto the covers and the mattress, but I didn't mind.

I noticed Michelle was getting louder as she drank and smoked cigars at my dresser which was set up like a bar. I suggested we go downstairs so we wouldn't wake up my mom.

At the top of the stairs I whispered "Happy Birthday" to Michelle and she let out a huge laugh. I grabbed her arm and escorted her downstairs. She was drunk.

Into the kitchen we arrived. Matt sat on a bench that was in front of the door to the basement. I pulled the button of his pants up to his belly button and made it jiggle. We all laughed. This was quickly interrupted by a loud knock on the door.

White Boxing Day

Everything was green when I landed, right through until the afternoon of the 26th. A green Christmas. The best. Then the Nor'Easter. Nothing says maritimes quite like it. 12 inches in 12 hours. C'est la vie. xoxo

My Sister

My sister was driving the biggest FedEx truck I had ever seen, naturally and with confidence. I decided to come to work with her that day because I wouldn't see her again for a while. She was driving and I was stationed on top of the truck. It was like being on a steamship, on the lookout for icebergs. High above the street I could see for miles but despite the distance I could easily hear my sister talking about her life. Her job, her relationship, her home. She weaved with ease in and out of traffic, her tires were larger than a monster trucks, and even though I had anxiety I could tell she knew what she was doing.

A large flower planter was my purse

Waiting for our plane, my sister and I had many bags. We were watching the aircraft come and go from three airports around the intersection at which we waited.

A large double decker plane in distress came into view and we watched a smaller plane fly with it near the engine in an attempt to put out the flames. Winding around we could tell the plane was going to land at the airport closest to us. As it came down heavy and hard, the landing gear did not release and it skidded down the runway out of view. Cars chased it with hoses, sirens blaring, sparks everywhere. I went to the end of the runway and took a few photographs but then the wind blew sparks and ash into my face.

I turned away to find my sister but she was gone. I grabbed all of my bags and hers, including a large flower planter which was my purse. Heavy, but confident, I found my sister in a coffee shop across the street. She looked up at me and smiled, thankfully took her bags back and said, "I bet this will delay our flight."

Wednesday, December 22, 2010


Pack good declare michelle's maxi pad strut springhurst dufferin bus jammed. Subway west Kipling station airport rocket crammed. Woman with stoned cat. Cute!

Empty airport (!!!) electronic tix ciggy puff sécurité. Pizza water book board Halifax bound. Land run small plane to mamma Jane, 12 passengers rain wind business as usual "are you fucking kidding me?"

Bay of Fundy leap.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Showering in an American Cupboard

I was showering in an American cupboard, away for Christmas with latinos. I was trying so desperately to take a shower in their home, as a guest I need to cause as little impact as possible. Like a mouse.

Their shower was in the kitchen, in a kitchen cupboard. Small with no light, I hunched in this cupboard and tried to close the doors behind me. In only my yellow towel I grabbed at the boards and attempted to shut myself in. The water running, I could still see this latino family watching me.

As they laughed I yelled at them "I expected to have running water in America!"

Nor'easter blow out to sea please? "All eyes will be on the Maritimes." It doesn't look good.

Leaving the Shipyard

By nightfall I was leaving the ship yards, crossing a massive steel bridge over the highway. She yelled at me and I continued to ignore her, picking up my step. I was carrying very heavy bags but it didn't matter. I had to get away.

I passed two other men leaving the yards. At least I wasn't alone with this hysterical woman and they also ignored her. At the end of the bridge was a latter that led down to the ground. It was high up, but encased in a scaffolding. I scurried to fit through the frame with my bags when the woman caught up with me.

She grabbed the top of my bag and asked why she was being ignored. By now we had reached the ground as I slowly backed away from her. I was shocked to recognize the woman. Although physically there was no resemblance, this was my childhood friend, Brenna. She looked me in the eye and with tears said "maybe I should give back."

Saturday, December 18, 2010

33 from Poland/3 from Bowden

33 hits from Poland this week.

3 times vomit yesterday.

Workplace in pain, the Lightbox bathroom has never experienced such carnage. Retreated home with my supervisors approval. Held it in on the streetcar, I will not puke on a streetcar. Home to continue barfing to water and expelling gas. Curtains blowing in the ice wind. Exorcism. Michelle asked me if there was anything I need I should have said call a priest. Food poisoning or gastric virus take two I do not know, but 24 hours later I am fine. Body aches from horking my guts out, dry head from dehydration, but overall I'm eighthundredmillion times better.

Brown worms and Bitty escapes

When I thought I woke up I left my room and went out to the balcony, it was still dark. I asked a smoking Michelle if it was 9am or 9pm. She said 9am. I said that was impossible, I was so exhausted. I left the balcony. Inside, there was a small gathering happening in the living room. Craig, Robyn, Ben were there among others. I had to escape to my room.

Once there I watched a mole on my left arm expand and grow longer and longer until it resembled a brown worm. The pain was unbelievable.

My room was lit by candles despite the mess. On my bed was my deceased visual culture professor, Kim Pruesse, she was playing my psychologist. First she examined the mole growth using a 3D tricorder and I instantaneously understood why it grew, eliminating the pain. She walked about the room analysing me, saying profound things that I cannot remember.

Then Bitty, Craig's cat, pushed her way out my window screen and into the city. I screamed and ran out my room. Bitty, Bitty, Bitty! I cried. I flew down the stairs and out the front door. There she was perched on an old garbage can afraid of what she had done. I kept yelling Bitty Bitty Bitty! and I woke up.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Birthday Beauty

On my birthday I slept in until 10 after dreams of Kate Bate turning off the water faucet and me turning it back on and Michelle Hishmeh waking me up and changing my curtains in a tight blue sequined dress. Watched Fashion Television and had coffee. Finished five compositions and epoxy resined even more. Read dozens of birthday messages and got a call from my mom and dad. Now off to dinner with my lover, in the fresh fluffy snow. This was my birthday sunset.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Fire Torpedoes!!!

A dream in a dream was taking place.

I was someplace I did not recognize but it felt like the cottage. Alone, Adam and I frolicked about the place falling deeper in love.

When he was gone, a woman in a grey jacket with several suitcases arrived. I recognized her as a fellow student from my graphic design class. Blond hair, blue eyes, but nothing particularly striking about her. She began asking me intimate questions about Adam. When she began to ask about our living situation, I suspected something. She asked if Adam was living with me part time. I asked why. She said they were in love and got married. I stopped and looked over to her. "You're fucking Adam?" I asked directly. She nodded her head yes and showed me her wedding ring. I exited the room and grabbed as many of my belongings as possible. Adam was in the hall. I didn't have to ask him the truth, the look on his face told me everything. Then telepathically he played me a scene of the two engaged in heterosexual sex.

I needed to escape! Adam pulled a camera on me and began taking my photo. "This may be the last time I ever see Jordan, got to get his picture." He said through a grimace. I was hurt.

Out of the cottage and onto the busy city street, I exited from a high rise hotel. I got into a jeep and threw my bags in the passenger side. Adam followed me. I sat at the steering wheel and turned the ignition. A song came on the radio that sang about "giving him a second chance," but it made me sick. "Fuck this" I said, and threw it in gear leaving Adam on the curb.

Going down the city street I was really upset. Something I felt so secure in was instantaneously destroyed. I couldn't see well through the windshield as it fogged from my tears, shifting gears was unfamiliar to me although I didn't stall. It was night and the twinkling lights of cars and the horizon were all I saw. From the skyline I could tell I was on the east side heading north towards Yonge and Bloor. I found the windshield wipers. There were many cars. I focused on the drive in my boxy jeep.

I arrived at a huge house where all my friends lived including Adam. Martina was there and had just gotten out of the shower and she knew I was sad. She followed me to Adam's room where I was ransacking the place for my belongings, primarily my camera. I told her all about the situation, described the woman he had apparently married and the drive over. A dream in a dream was taking place.

As I was getting ready to leave I asked if she was coming to my party that night. She said she and Ola were going to hit a few things up on the way. She looked past me into Bartosz's room and said he was busy. I asked if her and Ola were prostituting on the way. She said maybe.

On my way out there was a big open cafeteria space where all my friends were eating. I sat for a moment but as soon as Adam came in I left.

Onto the night street I was biking this time, underneath the Gardiner Expressway. It was crowded with people and when I approached the ACC I knew there was an event on. Not in the building but instead inside a giant white bubble that had been put up for the occasion. Without a choice, my bike and I were pulled into the bubble. Inside were hundreds of people listening to Christopher Walken speak about being the best actor in the world. I was floating above the crowd now without my bike, looking down into his crystal blue eyes. I looked around and the side of the white bubble I was heading towards had shelves of cereal. I decided to fly towards it and grab a box. Just as I found a bit of control I woke up.

Sunday, December 12, 2010


Birthdays keep getting better. The Sham's hip hop playlist, Adam's projector, D.j. Devin Raw spins house-mashups against James Gauvreau's animations. Tequila shots x4, among others. Dance to the mild December night. Sweet-amazing friends Thank You So Much xoxoxox. Ben Ross, Michelle Hishmeh, Adam Harris, David Dunstan, Amy Connolly, Diana Smith, Carlo Costa, Stephanie Satur, Sarah Slocum, Daniel Goodbaum, Jeanette Sassine, Simon Black, Ryan Ferko, James Gauvreau, Ola Bloseneed, Mike Robinson, Anna Pantchev, Christina Barry x3, Marlo Yarlo, Chris Seto, Bartosz Gawdzik, Craig Massie, Andrew Pham, Patrick Connolly and Sham Hishmeh.

crossing into age and juice fights

A woman who visited the gallery came to my party and reached to me. She said she needed me to follow her into my room, she was with another woman and a small dog. It felt of an urgent nature but when we crossed into my room I exited from a white high rise apartment building, storming out. The scene changed completely. I am an asian man walking away from an asian woman. She is yelling at me and I yell back. We are aging quickly, slowing wrinkling during the entire scene. I am walking through fences onto the sidewalk when this woman, my partner, catches up to me and dumps the rest of her orange juice over my head. I feel it's thickness laced with the pulp and feel enraged. While she continued to yell at me in a language I can't understand I unscrewed my vitamin water and poured the entire thing over her head. Her hair soaked, she was in shock. I violently walked away from her back into the apartment building, she as an old lady began to cry.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Bye-bye Bob 'Caygeon

See you in 2011.

"This is your fault."

After I spoke with Lance on the phone, I exited in a hurry. I was going to be late for rehearsal. Outside my house, the driveway was full of cars and a deep night had taken over. I looked for my mother's Pontiac, surrounded by random cars from the past. Other friends were there, all to help me move the vehicles around so I could get out. Michelle Brewer was one of those people, directing the scene. My sister was there too, but every time she moved a car she would scratch into another. As the scene deteriorated car after car turned up somehow on our lot. They seemed to be multiplying! I found my father splitting wood beside the garage, as if trying to ignore the scene. When I asked him where our car was and if he could help he said simply, "This is your fault." and went on with his wood chopping. Annoyed I turned away from him and marched towards Michelle who was wearing a stage managers radio head set. "I'm going to be late for rehearsal." I said. And when I thought she was going to relay the message for me, instead she exclaimed, "I found Tercie!" pointing to her grandmothers old teal Toyota Tercell sitting in my driveway. One of dozens of cars there.

Duck fever

Judy and Derrick (Adam's folks) gave me a sweet little wooden duck for Christmas. Added to my growing collection of duck statuary, I found this video before I went to bed last night. Poor little duckies!

Follow the dog or sink

As I sank deeper and deeper into the warm black water, I realized it was me back there on the road who needed an ambulance. As I drifter further away from the scene, ignoring my own call for help, I was getting closer to death. The dog kept barking and I lost interest in returning home. I thought I was dying, but I woke up instead.

From what I can remember, I was chasing Suzanne Doyle-Yerxa through a public place. A mall megaplex movie theatre with food courts and shops and pop corn on the floor. She asked me if I had any gum which I knew I had. I dug through the front pouch of my black back pack, pulled out an empty pack, threw it back and grabbed the newer pack. She took it from me and said, "It's good to give away what you need." Suz looked back at me and took off into the crowd, giving pieces of my gum to random people as she went.

I tried to follow her but got caught in the mass. Up stairs, down escalators, through line ups past potted plants. The atmosphere was red, with Vegas style lights advertising here and there. It became a game to get to Suz.

Finally, I reached the other side of the mall and exited onto the street. I saw Mrs. Yerxa across, seated at a cafe patio with her youngest daughter Brooke. At this point I was carrying more than just my black back pack but also many parcels and other bags. Evidently I had gone shopping during my search.

I crossed the road, and when I dodged a car successfully I looked up at the Suz and Brooke who were both applauding. I held up my bags in victory. When I reached their table I could tell they were celebrating Brooke's birthday and I was happy to be in the presence of another Sagittarius.

This is when the scene changed suddenly. Brooke disappeared, as did the cafe. Instead we were on the street behind my old apartment building on Jameson. Suz and I were talking about heavy things, and Michael, her oldest son, was seated on a bench on the sidewalk listening to us. It was night time and I knew that I had a movie date to make. As we spoke about the past and our lives, Mrs. Yerxa gave me great comfort although I do not recall the details of the conversation. But I had received my prize for finding her and all my bags were gone. As tears came to my face I knew it was good to leave on a high note. I told her I loved her and gave her a hug. She told me I had a good heart. I turned and left. As I went to hug Michael goodbye also, he stormed past me towards his mother, he was crying too hard and so I left up the street.

As I walked north towards King Street to catch the streetcar, it started to rain. The rain came down fast, and standing there waiting at the stop I decided I wasn't going to make it to the movies. Instead I thought of Adam, warm and dry back at home. I turned and decided to walk to him. I was getting soaked and could feel the water leaking in to my pocket where my phone was. When I got to Springhurst Avenue the street quickly flooded with black water, at least it was warm but I had to wade home, my phone was ruined. As I ventured past the last street before I got to my own I could tell there was an emergency taking place. A woman yelled at me to call an ambulance. People were crowding around a young man's body on the front lawn to a house. I ignored it and pressed on, pushed by the thought of getting to Adam.

The water kept getting deeper, I had to swim. So close to home I thought, I need to make it. The sun came up, night turned to day in moments and the rain slowed and stopped. A dog was barking back at the scene of the accident, but another dog swam by me and then in front of me, as if leading me home. I thought to myself, I need to get out of his path or I will drink his pee. My mouth still half under the black water, I began swimming on a diagonal. Then I put it together. The accident up the road was the real me, and the spirit of me was swimming towards the home I so desperately wanted to get to. Instead of following the dog back I was getting pulled under the water. I was unable to help myself and unable to follow such obvious signs so I was sinking to my death. I could feel the end coming. I woke up.

Monday, December 6, 2010

A walk in the woods....

Winter ain't so bad as long as you got your long johns and parka. Got lost while following deer tracks and listening to the trees talk, wound up going in circles looking for moss and pictures but eventually got popped out onto a road which led me from a to be to c. And then it started to snow.


4 years later Parkdale Festivus still raises money full swing, this year for Interval House, a shelter for abused women and children. Here I am with two of my very close friends who helped organize the event.